forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
