you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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