So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
