Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am midnight drunk by noon
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
