There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
