So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?