I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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