our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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