Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
