I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
