I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
