you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i think i have two assholes
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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