It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
