i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
