I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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