She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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