I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
