I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
