I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
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Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
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I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I pour the whiskey from now on
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize