I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
