He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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