When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Found your dick twin last night
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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