Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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