im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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