He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
