Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So many bounce houses so little time
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
