Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I cut my penus on the lid.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
