I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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