my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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