Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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