someone owes me an orgasm
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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