You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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