Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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