I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize