At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
