this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
