Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
