new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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