what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
