I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
