K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
