Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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