I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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