So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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