if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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