did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
