this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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