I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
