what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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