I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
