Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
