he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
