yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
