I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
