I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
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So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
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The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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