I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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