last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize